Posted by
S'marty on Sunday, May 24, 2009 12:08:22 AM
Dear CIA,
As your president, I am sure you are all aware by now that I am a bit squeamish and squishy when it comes to water boarding. I really don't know if it qualifies as torture or not - the international community, where I borrow most of my opinions, is undecided, and as a result, I am, of course, undecided as well.
So, in keeping with my goal of looking like a nice guy, I am hereby rendering water boarding illegal. I have come up with a much better alternative, however, and after reading the following, I am sure you will agree.
Henceforth, the CIA will conduct Enhanced Interrogation Techniques via the use of the Neti Pot (Neti Pot Enhanced Interrogation Techniques: NPEIT, or "Ne-peet"). This ancient method of cleaning out the sinuses has not only been deemed safe by the AMA, it is also considered to be the most effective method of cleaning the nasal air passages in the event of allergies or a severe cold and comandeering a confession from known terrorist suspects (see package insert for full disclaimer as to efficacy of confession).
Many people are unaware of the severe allergies that afflict most terrorists; the arid climate, constant dust storms, and genetically reduced size of sinus cavities have rendered the typical terrorist unable to defend himself against both seasonal allergies, and household born allergens. Additionally, camels produce a particularly virulent form of dander that is caustic, causing eye irritation and hives.
The use of the Neti Pot will be, in effect, like killing two birds with one stone:
1. No one, not even terrorists, like having something poured up their nose. The threat of a Neti Pot will induce the uncooperative terrorist to tell the truth.
2. Once all non-torture-type interrogation techniques have been exhausted, with no discernible valuable information gathered, the interrogator will have the lawful authority to threaten the terrorist with "The Neti Pot." One way to approach this technique might be to say to the terrorist: "You aren't being very helpful. You've given us no choice: unless you tell us what we need to know, we will be forced to use the Neti Pot Sinus Wash on you." This will strike terror into the terrorist, as it has been the consensus of most climate change scientists that terrorists don't like Neti Pots.
3. If the inevitable occurs, and the interrogator is forced to use the Neti Pot, remind the terrorist that he will receive immediate relief of:
- Nasal congestion
- Sinus infections
- Allergies
- Dry air
- Post Nasal-drip (an especially troubling problem most terrorists have)
- Rhinitis of Pregnancy (very few terrorists suffer from this ailment)
4. Remind the terrorist that the Neti Pot is "Doctor developed, scientifically proven and that it uses the gentle flow of gravity." The interrogator may omit the word "gentle" if it causes the terrorist to not take him seriously enough.
5. Make sure the terrorists understands, before Neti Pot application, that this method is "All natural, and safe for both children and adults!"
6. Provide the terrorist with a list of the Neti Pot ingredients, before application of this product (Sodium Bicarbonate 700 mg and Sodium Chloride 2300 mg). Reminder: the interrogator must secure the terrorists signature before proceeding with the Neti Pot application (ACLU reg. gov-31.2009.sec.A).
7. After administering the Neti Pot, query the terrorist as to its effectiveness:
- Are your allergy symptoms improved?
- Do your sinuses feel clearer?
- Do you need a tissue?
- Are you going to tell me the truth now?
8. Important warning! Stop use if washing is uncomfortable or symptoms are not relieved - consult the attending physician immediately for advice on how to proceed.
I think you will find the Neti Pot to be a very effective tool for Enhanced Interrogation Techniques. The international community will applaud my progressive ideas and my ability to effectively extract neccesary information from terrorist suspects, while simultaneously relieving them of their allergy symptoms.
A full disclaimer and description of the exact procedure for administering the Neti Pot may be found at www.obamasalternativeinterrogationtechnique_netipot.sinus.gov/
Thank You,
B.H.O.