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Name: S'marty
Location: Tacoma, WA
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"America's FIRST ever man-made president!"

Conservatives have three years to find the perfect candidate for the next presidential election. Everyone is carefully watching the country's leaders, hoping there will be that "one" (pardon the expression) who will have all of the essential characteristics to represent us.

I have come to the conclusion that the only way to find a perfect candidate for us in 2012 is to build one. We just need the proper ingredients in the proper proportions. Following is my own list of qualities that I'd like to see:

1. Smart, but more importantly: wise
2. Honest, with a great degree of discernment
3. Fiscally conservative; endorses small non-intrusive government
4. Endorses free enterprise; abhors socialism of any kind
5. Has learned from history's mistakes and will not repeat them
6. Is objective when it comes to morality, not a relativist (I don't know if that's a word... I might have just made it up)
7. Values the truth as a concrete ideal, not as something subjective and open for debate
8. Understands the importance of national security, both at home and abroad; supports a well equipped and well manned military
9. Has a complete understanding of economics and the market, and the intricate workings of that relationship
10. Has a commanding presence as an orator, but is balanced with the proper amount of humbleness
11. Has no ties whatsoever with George Soros or any of his entities
 
There. Now we just need to find the parts. I wouldn't mind if this new candidate had a face like Gerard Butler's, with maybe a bit of grey at the temples to make him more distinguished looking.
 
Oh, and he would have to be a non-smoker. Oh, and a cat lover.
 
We will need to find someone who can put this guy together, preferably with that medical super-glue so there wouldn't be any stitch scars. Of course, it goes without saying that the folks who donate parts for our new candidate do so with the full understanding that they might not survive living without certain parts. And they would have to do it voluntarily. 
 
Let me know if I've left out any other vital qualities. The race of our candidate is inconsequential - the character is key.
 
He's going to need a good name, preferably one that both rolls off the tongue easily and is memorable. He'll certainly make the history books! "America's FIRST ever man-made president!"
 
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Alert! Overseas Contingency Operation! Alert!

Once upon a temporal event there was a numerically challenged male-child. He looked around him and said “I want people to get along and be equal.” So he changed words that appeared to be mean, thereby elevating the evil done by mean people in the name of those words. He then destroyed words that denoted success, as he knew full well that success can only be achieved at the expense of victims. He changed words like "terrorist" into "freedom fighter" and "illegal alien" into "undocumented worker."

While he was busy changing words and appearing on talk shows (and making fun of developmentally disabled persons), the people who actually believed in those mean words made very mean big explosive incendiary devices.

One day, while the male-child was playing in his "No Clear Winner Here" garden (the male-child's legally bound female-partner originally named the garden "The Victory Garden," but since a victory can only be accomplished by the vanquishing of victims, the male-child changed the name of the garden), the people who used the mean words flew in a gravity-defiant metallic cylinder and threw a big explosive incendiary device out the door.

The device made a loud noise and blew up the male-child's community-involved open-border multicultural-diversified-classless-Utopian country. While recuperating from his non-agressive shrapnel punctures, the male-child was interviewed by a game show host, who asked him how this mean event could have taken place after all the hard work the male-child had done to make words nicer.

The male-child responded: “Obviously, we did something to deserve this action. In response, we shall undertake an Overseas Contingency Operation, whereby we will fly overseas in a gravity defying round metallic cylinder and we will talk to the people we offended. We will be sure to use only nice words. We will take many notes. When we return we will establish many committees and have many meetings. We will also send volunteers into the community with clipboards, who will organize community events.”

The people who had not been blown to pieces cheered and wept at the male-child's brilliance.

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Dear Mr. President:

Dear Mr. President,
 
Do the right thing. Oh, I know to leftist-liberals like you, "right" is a subjective term. It's too obscure for you to understand, so I'll try to break it down into tiny little bite sized pieces for you, by drawing some obvious comparisons. Let me know if any of this goes over your head. I wouldn't want anyone accusing you of letting your blond roots show.
 
"Right" is the opposite of "wrong." It's also the opposite of "left." "Opposite" means not exactly the same; for example, "hot" is opposite of "cold." I hope a tangible, non-subjective example, like "hot and cold" helps you understand the concept of "opposite."
 
Now, let's move on to some examples of "right" and "wrong." I'll try to use fairly obvious ones, so there's no chance of ambiguity or confusion on your part.
 
An example of something that is "right" would be to help an elderly person who has fallen down. It is right to reach out your hand and assist the poor dear in getting back up again.
 
"Wrong" is when you kick an elderly person down. It would be wrong of you to walk up to that person, lift your leg, and shove them down a flight of stairs with a foot on their back, for example. Why is this wrong? Because you could harm the person, and for most people, pain is not subjective, it's fairly concrete.
 
"Right" is usually associated with the word "good" and "wrong" is usually associated with the word "evil." I use the word "usually" because, once upon a time, these associations were never questioned. However, something has happened in the past 40 or so years to change perceptions, so that, through the distorted window of subjectiveness and moral relativity, many people no longer link "right-good" and "wrong-evil."
 
I hope I am using small enough words for you. I'll be sure to have my letter transcribed onto your teleprompter so you may more easily understand it.
 
A few other terms to describe this change in perception: topsy-turvy; inside-out; bassackwards; FUBAR; SNAFU.
 
Now let's see if I can explain to you how your decisions fall into the category of "wrong" and "evil." I will address your gaffes in another letter.
 
1. It is "wrong" to force people who do the "right" thing and play by the rules to pay for people who do the "wrong" thing and default on mortgages they should not have taken out in the first place. You see, this is a perfect example of topsy-turvy: rewarding the wrong-doers by punishing the right-doers. Even Dr. Spock would find fault with this philosophy.
 
2. It is "wrong" to attempt normal communication with "terrorists" (I'll send another letter later, addressing the need to stop changing words to soften their meaning). You see, if you put your hand out to a rabid, wild dog, no matter how "right" you think it is to talk nicely to him, the dog is incapable of understanding your nice intentions and he will bite your head off, preferably while being video taped by his fellow wild dogs. It is "wrong" of the dogs to bite our heads off, but they are incapable of discerning "right" from "wrong" due to the false teachings of their fellow rabid dogs.
 
3. It is "wrong" to punish success just as it is "wrong" to reward failure. It is "right" that success is rewarded, as it usually denotes hard work. It is "right" that one should learn from their failure in order to no longer repeat the same mistakes, but if the failed person is "wrongly" rewarded for their failure, they will "fail" to learn the lesson from failure.
 
4. It is "wrong" to attempt to level the playing field in order to institute what you perceive as "fairness" and "equality." People are not lemmings and are incapable of sustaining a hive-mind mentality for any length of time. Individualism and liberty will want to break free from communal oppression. It is "wrong" to not learn from history, and it is "wrong" to be so unteachable as to be incapable of comprehending reason and logic. You see, reason and logic are objective. Reason and logic tend to ride the path of "truism."
 
5. "Truth" is another word that is typically linked with "good" and "right." "Lie" is the opposite of "truth" and can usually be found dwelling in the caves with "wrong" and "evil." These realities are not subjective and they are not open to interpretation. One man's truth is not another man's lie. One man's terrorist is not another man's freedom fighter. Pardon me... I parlayed into a realm that I said I would broach later.
 
So, Mr. President, when I ask you to "do the right thing," do you now understand what I mean? Are you capable of understanding the truth of what is right and good, or are you so entrenched in the liberal-leftist philosophy that you only see things in shades of subjectiveness?
 
Elevating evil and destroying good will not level the play field. Our hearts and minds weren't designed for a life of bland greyness and perpetual neutrality. Human beings have a spirit that desires freedom. Freedom is "good" - oppression is "evil."
 
Remember, to seek excellence is not the same as finding perfection. Success is not always bought at the expense of a victim.
 
So, do the right thing: rescind the stimulus bill; re-write the budget sans the earmarks; hire honorable law-abiding folks for your administration; and burn your "Rules for Radicals" book, as it has no place in America.
 
Thank you,
S'marty
 
P.S. ... and don't talk any more or write any more letters.
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Dear Hillary:

To: Hillary Clinton
From: A flummoxed citizen
Re: What the hell is wrong with you?
 
Dr. Mrs. Clinton,
 
I recently stumbled across the following:  http://rightwingnews.com/mt331/2009/03/our_ironic_foreign_policy.php. In this article, I read this astonishing tidbit:
U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton on Monday will pledge about $300 million in U.S. humanitarian aid for the war-torn Gaza Strip, plus about $600 million in assistance to the Palestinian Authority, a U.S. official said Sunday.

 

State Department spokesman Robert A. Wood told reporters traveling with Clinton Sunday that she would announce the donations at an international pledging conference at this Red Sea resort. The conference is seeking money for Gaza and the Palestinian economy.
 
I respectfully submit that you are completely out of your mind. In fact, you are all out of your minds. I don't know where your minds are right now, but they are most definitely not entrenched in reality.
 
I assume the funds for the above "donation" (I almost peed laughing at the use of that word) will be forcefully taken from the tax-paying American citizen. You realize, of course, that if taxes were collected on a door-to-door basis, your tax collectors would all suffer serious injuries by the citizenry who are not complicit in aiding and abetting, with their own money, murdering terrorists.
 
Guess what I just found out? I recently learned that one of the terrorists favorite ways of eliminating Lebanese Christians (back in the 70s, when America was apparently asleep at the wheel) was to tie a couple's baby's legs to each of their legs, then violently pull the couple apart. You're a smart lady... you can figure out what happened. I learned of another creative ways in which the Islamic extremists killed Lebanese Christians, but it's too horrifying to repeat.
 
Hillary, Hillary, Hill. If I was Dan Ackroyd, I'd attach a popular addendum tto the end of that.
 
I am almost at a loss for words to describe how shocked I am at this unbelievably ignorant act of yours and our administration's. You people are fools of the highest order. Do you honestly believe the Hamas and Hezbollahs will be grateful for this handout? Do you really believe they will use it for relief for the people in Gaza? Don't you know that Islamic extremists do not think of you as a human being? As a woman, you are, in fact, even lower on their much referenced chart "Useless Things Which Must Be Destroyed At All Costs In Order To Bring About The Chaos For The Coming of The Twelve Imams."
 
You are playing right into the terrorists hands. Why not just send Iran a check for $300 million, since that's where it will end up anyway. Your ignorance about the true intent of Islamic extremists scares the hell out of me. Here's an idea: before handing that check over, how about you watch this video. If, after watching this video, you still want to give the Hamas my money, then I will know for a certainty that you are either a) phenominally stupid; b) a Islamic extremist yourself; or c) phenominally stupid.
 
Watch this video and stop being a court jester for the terrorists: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2361383274896945386
 
Not Yours Truly,
Scared Shitless Citizen
 
 
 
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