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Neti Pot: The New and Improved Enhanced Interrogation Technique!

Posted by S'marty on Sunday, May 24, 2009 12:08:22 AM
Dear CIA,

As your president, I am sure you are all aware by now that I am a bit squeamish and squishy when it comes to water boarding. I really don't know if it qualifies as torture or not - the international community, where I borrow most of my opinions, is undecided, and as a result, I am, of course, undecided as well.

So, in keeping with my goal of looking like a nice guy, I am hereby rendering water boarding illegal. I have come up with a much better alternative, however, and after reading the following, I am sure you will agree.

Henceforth, the CIA will conduct Enhanced Interrogation Techniques via the use of the Neti Pot (Neti Pot Enhanced Interrogation Techniques: NPEIT, or "Ne-peet"). This ancient method of cleaning out the sinuses has not only been deemed safe by the AMA, it is also considered to be the most effective method of cleaning the nasal air passages in the event of allergies or a severe cold and comandeering a confession from known terrorist suspects (see package insert for full disclaimer as to efficacy of confession).

Many people are unaware of the severe allergies that afflict most terrorists; the arid climate, constant dust storms, and genetically reduced size of sinus cavities have rendered the typical terrorist unable to defend himself against both seasonal allergies, and household born allergens. Additionally, camels produce a particularly virulent form of dander that is caustic, causing eye irritation and hives.

The use of the Neti Pot will be, in effect, like killing two birds with one stone:

1. No one, not even terrorists, like having something poured up their nose. The threat of a Neti Pot will induce the uncooperative terrorist to tell the truth.

2. Once all non-torture-type interrogation techniques have been exhausted, with no discernible valuable information gathered, the interrogator will have the lawful authority to threaten the terrorist with "The Neti Pot." One way to approach this technique might be to say to the terrorist: "You aren't being very helpful. You've given us no choice: unless you tell us what we need to know, we will be forced to use the Neti Pot Sinus Wash on you." This will strike terror into the terrorist, as it has been the consensus of most climate change scientists that terrorists don't like Neti Pots.

3. If the inevitable occurs, and the interrogator is forced to use the Neti Pot, remind the terrorist that he will receive immediate relief of:
- Nasal congestion
- Sinus infections
- Allergies
- Dry air
- Post Nasal-drip (an especially troubling problem most terrorists have)
- Rhinitis of Pregnancy (very few terrorists suffer from this ailment)

4. Remind the terrorist that the Neti Pot is "Doctor developed, scientifically proven and that it uses the gentle flow of gravity." The interrogator may omit the word "gentle" if it causes the terrorist to not take him seriously enough.

5. Make sure the terrorists understands, before Neti Pot application, that this method is "All natural, and safe for both children and adults!"

6. Provide the terrorist with a list of the Neti Pot ingredients, before application of this product (Sodium Bicarbonate 700 mg and Sodium Chloride 2300 mg). Reminder: the interrogator must secure the terrorists signature before proceeding with the Neti Pot application (ACLU reg. gov-31.2009.sec.A).

7. After administering the Neti Pot, query the terrorist as to its effectiveness:
- Are your allergy symptoms improved?
- Do your sinuses feel clearer?
- Do you need a tissue?
- Are you going to tell me the truth now?

8. Important warning! Stop use if washing is uncomfortable or symptoms are not relieved - consult the attending physician immediately for advice on how to proceed.

I think you will find the Neti Pot to be a very effective tool for Enhanced Interrogation Techniques. The international community will applaud my progressive ideas and my ability to effectively extract neccesary information from terrorist suspects, while simultaneously relieving them of their allergy symptoms.

A full disclaimer and description of the exact procedure for administering the Neti Pot may be found at www.obamasalternativeinterrogationtechnique_netipot.sinus.gov/

Thank You,

B.H.O.
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The Dreaded Wax Tax!

Posted by S'marty on Friday, May 15, 2009 1:24:18 AM
With all the news of Obama adding a federal tax to this, that, and the other thing in order to fund his new health care regime, I thought of some other things that could be taxed. The following items and new tax laws would be implemented for our own good, of course:

The Vanity Tax
- This would be a 10% federal tax added to the purchase of all cosmetics that are available at drug stores and super markets. This would include all make-up, hair products, and hair removal depilatories. Tweezers are exempt from this additional tax as they can be used for other things besides eyebrow and chin hair removal.

The Enhanced Vanity Tax
- This would be a 15% federal tax added to the cost of all finer department store cosmetics (Estee Lauder, Lancome, Clinique, etc.) since these products are vastly more expensive than drug store products, thereby indicating that those who purchase these products must make over $250,000 per year. All Mac products are excluded from this tax as they are usually purchased by transvestites, and this administration does not want to appear homophobic.

The Scented Enhanced Vanity Tax
- This would be a 25% tax on all fine fragrances sold at department stores. "Obsession" is excluded from this tax, even though it's sold at department stores, as it smells like drug store perfume. Fragrances that can be purchased at discount drug stores are exempt.

The Large Shoe Tax
- This tax will be levied against all people with large feet. Shoes measuring over size 8 for women and size 9 for men will have a 10% federal tax added to the cost. Designer sneakers of all sizes will have an extra 5% tax added. Children's rollerblade sneakers will be taxed an additional 50% since injury could result from the use of these shoes. Toddlers lighted shoes are exempt. "Hoochie" shoes will have an additional 55% tax added.

The Eye Tax
- All colored contacts will have a 15% tax added. Clear contacts are exempt. Bifocal and trifocal glasses will have a 10% tax added per "focal." Quadfocals will not be taxed, as the purchaser of these glasses are likely legally blind.

The Wax Tax
- All salon applied wax treatments will be taxed an additional 15%. The bikini wax tax will be an additional 10% on top of the base 15%, as this wax is particularly painful for both the recipient and the salon employee. Men with hairy backs will pay an additional 25% tax to have this hair removed, as it is just plain gross. Removal of toe hair via wax is exempt from taxation.

The Acrylic Nail Tax
- All acrylic nail services, including a full set, fill, removal, tips, and general manicure will be taxed an additional 10%. This tax will be collected under the management of The Vanity Tax. French manicures will be taxed an additional 10% on top of the original 10%. Little flowery decals and painted designs on the big toe are exempt.

The "No Wings" Tax
- This tax is being implemented in honor of the first lady's arms. All women sporting more than three inches of arm "wing" will be penalized with a tax of 10% per inch of wing. This tax will be collected by fitness center employees on a monthly basis until the offenders wings are trimmed to the optimal Michele Obama measurement of one inch.

The collection of the above taxes will be instituted on a "point-of-sale" basis, where applicable; in all other cases, a tax bill will be sent to the citizen detailing the amount due. Please make checks payable to:

Obama's Nationalized Socialized Facist Health Care Plan
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington D.C.
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The Shadow Party

Posted by S'marty on Thursday, April 23, 2009 7:39:43 PM
This blog is cross-posted at Smart Girl Politics.
 

Mention the name "George Soros" to just about any average American, and they'll say "Who?"

Describing who or what this man is, is quite a task in itself. The easiest explanation that I can come up with is this:

George Soros is the Puppet Master. He is the new leader of the greatest nation on earth, but since he is leading from the shadows, most people are not aware of his presence. And yet his mark is on everything Obama has done since he won the Illinois senate.

Every word uttered from Obama's mouth, every cabinet appointment, hired hand, action, and even the non-actions of our POTUS is orchestrated and in fact manipulated by George Soros.

Connecting the dots is not easy, as this man has managed to filter the image of his imprint through many different channels: non-profits, 527s, political appointees who at first glance appear to have no connection to Soros, but upon closer inspection, are found to be quite well connected to him.

Picture a spider web, with Soros in the center, and each strand of silk connected to the next via cross strands of silk. Now make that web look a little like one of those Spiro-Graph drawings, where all of the lines intersect each other at one or more points, and voila! You have the organization that is George Soros.

There are quite a few websites dedicated to connecting the Soros-Obama dots. One of the best is this one:

http://www.discoverthenetworks.org

It's a monumental task, doing the fact finding on this man and his subtle influences on our government. If I was an investigative journalist, with the necessary resources and ample time at my disposal, I would dedicate all of my endeavors toward connecting all of the dots, making my findings public, and hoping for the resultant charge of traitor to be leveled against the impostor in the Oval Office, with a bonus of deportation for Soros, along with a "persona non grata" engraved on his forehead as he is firmly kicked from our shores.

One might think that's a pretty strong charge, but the formation of a "shadow party" and its implementation and inflitration into all of the minute workings of our government with the explicit goal of overthrowing our current form a government into one of the shadow party's choosing IS treason. In fact, it's high treason.

One might also think that I am prone to conspiracy theories. I'm not really. What I am is a discerning individual who has been doing a lot of reading since last year's campaign, and I contend that the connections are there for the looking. Get those dots on a piece of paper and connect them, and I am convinced the picture that emerges will be one of a vast movement against our democracy, against our Constitution, against America by Soros and company.

I do not believe for one minute that Obama's stimulus is meant for economic recovery - in fact, I believe it's purpose is the exact opposite: destruction of the American economy. For one's further reading pleasure, I highly recommend the following site (again, on Discover the Networks):

http://www.discoverthenetworks.org/groupProfile.asp?grpid=6967

I believe it is George Soros' goal to become the governmental corporate czar. Wealth isn't enough for him, and being powerful behind the scenes isn't enough. He is seeing to it that every appointment made by the Obama administration is one of his choosing, his own hand-selected, groomed and ready for prime-time players.

What can we do about this? Where does one turn to when the fourth column is behaving as though investigative journalism is no longer necessary or desired? It simply isn't enough for the silent majority to be aware and to continue the discussion amongst ourselves.

I offer no solutions, only what I hope are some eye-opening facts. I believe the more we know, the more power we have. The more people who know about this, the more likely it is to eventually find its way into public discourse.

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Dear Jeaneane Garafolo

Posted by S'marty on Monday, April 20, 2009 3:42:35 PM

Dear jeaneane,

I watched your piece on msnbc. you brought up some very interesting points. None of them were valid, of course, dear jeaneane, but it was interesting hearing how your damaged brain works. I would like to address some of your points, but first, I do want you to take note of the fact that I am not using capital letters for your name or personal pronoun when it begins a sentence. For some reason, it doesn't feel like the honorable thing to do: recognize you as a fully functioning adult human being.

1. "Let's be very honest about what this is about. It's not about bashing democrats. It's not about taxes - they have no idea what the Boston Tea Party was about. They don't know their history at all. This was about hating a black man... this is racism straight up. This is a bunch of tea bagging rednecks."

--- According to your theory, all of the black participants in the tea parties, all of the black conservatives in America, all of the black republicans are actually racists against a black man who is our president. Since you obviously know so much about black culture, I would like to hear your explanation - without falling back on the Stockholm Syndrome excuse - as to why all of the black conservatives and black republicans are racist against Obama; explain the medical, moral, philosophical and social reason all of them ate Obama.

--- According to your assumption, not one single conservative in this country knows history. Not a single one knows what the Boston Tea Party was about. I hope you understand that the incredibly juvenile overtones of such broadly pronounced generalizations make you sound extremely uneducated.

Without consulting wikipedia (the liberals textbook of choice) I can tell you the people dumped the highly taxed tea, having just been delivered from England, into the Boston Harbor as a protest against the outrageous taxes being leveled against them - taxes which were determined without the benefit of an American representative in parliament. There are a lot of other details about this incident, but I'll let you find those on your own (wikipedia.com).

-- According to you, all of the Tea Partiers were "tea baggers." All of them. How do you know they all engage in tea bagging? The numbers of protesters is being estimated at over 500,000 attendees on the 15th. Do you really know the sexual practices of every single tea partier in attendance? There were children present at these events. Do you believe they also engage in this fetish? There were gay women there as well. Please explain, using that ample frontal lobe of yours.

-- According to you, all of the tea partiers were rednecks. Every single person in attendance was a redneck. All of them. Were the black people who participated rednecks as well? How about those who have been city dwellers their entire lives - are they rednecks? What about the people with college degrees: the masters of education, the doctors, the very few conservative attorneys... they were all rednecks?

I decided to consult your textbook of choice, wikipedia, to look up the definition of redneck: "a person who is stereotypically Caucasian (i.e. white) and is of lower socio-economic status in the United States and Canada." Well, dol garnit all to heck, that seems to be Obama's entire voting base. Which means there must not have been any rednecks at the Tea Parties. Not a single one. Zero.

Miss garafolo, I am so sorry for your debilitating affliction, but take heart! There is hope: there are countless millions of people in our country who have been successful at recovering from LMD - Liberal Mental Disorder. They have been able to secure decent jobs, purchase homes without defaulting, and pay their taxes on time. In your case, however, I am afraid the damage may be too deep for a full recovery. Chances are, even if you were to overcome this disorder, you would still be a first class moron.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjnAsyGrexY
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Mother Gaia's Green Commission

Posted by S'marty on Monday, April 13, 2009 5:32:12 PM
Dear Fellow Citizens,
 
I wanted to take this opportunity to introduce myself as your new Chief of Green Police. As most of you know, the Government decided to form a new Green Commission to address the rising concern over greenhouse gas emissions, Climate Change, and protecting Mother Gaia.
 
The results of Climate Change projection modeling have produced overwhelming theories and inconclusive results, thereby making it necessary to enact strict Green Laws in order to protect us from ourselves and to help us feel self-righteous as Saviors of Mother Gaia. The de-Greening of our world by human-caused activities has created a plethora of opportunities for the creation of new committees, sub-committees, commissions, special elections, and Green Laws.
 
The Green Police will be commissioned to carry out the enforcement of Green Laws, education, and standard practice public relations as needed during political campaigns.
 
New Green Laws will take affect on January 1, the newly appointed "Love Your Mother, Love Your Green" day. The police will be conducting the following Green Law enforcement procedures:
 
  • Patrol by foot all wooded lands, ensuring the safety of trees and the cleanliness of Mother's natural habitat; monitoring the illegal murder of trees for their natural wood products
  • Monitoring all noxious gas emissions produced by vegetation eating wildlife, evaluating data and applying safeguards as needed should wildlife emissions broach dangerous levels (introduction of corks and stoppers for the well-being of affected wildlife)
  • Patrol of human dwelling communities, ensuring the compliance of all Green Laws pertaining to the operation of fossil fuel motorized vehicles (strictly forbidden); burning of anything combustible in fireplaces and wood stoves (regardless of Polar Climate Changes which are a natural occurrence as part of the human-caused Cyclic Climate Change, formerly known as "Global Warming")
    • operation and ignition of all propane and charcoal bar-b-ques are now illegal
    • operation of fossil fuel burning verge mowers are unlawful
    • operation of fossil fuel burning leaf blowers are no longer allowed
    • operation of paraffin wax candles is no longer allowed, however, the burning of organic soy candles is permissible
    • breathing out-of-doors is a finable offense; for repeat offenders, a respirator will be issued, along with a small tin of Altoids
    • conducting human-caused noxious gas emissions is illegal, regardless of the quantity of high fiber and whole grains consumed by the offender; all humans will be required to maintain a ready supply of corks in the event of a noxious gas emission emergency
  • Patrol and inspection of all rural areas, specifically farms and ranches:
    • monitor the levels of noxious gas emissions by all farm life, evaluate and interpret collected data, applying corks and stoppers as needed
    • the operation of all petrol fueled farm equipment is prohibited
    • the use of oxen, horses, or mules for the sole purpose of pulling heavy non-motorized farm equipment is prohibited due to the increase in noxious gases emitted by the over-worked and straining animals
    • the collection of all grasses, hay, and wheat is prohibited due to the prolific scattering of allergen particles by said offending vegetation
  • Patrol and monitor all activities at industrial complexes and factories
    • all smokestacks and chimneys are to be smoke and particle free; use of these structures is prohibited
    • all fossil fuel burning machines and devices are hereby prohibited from use
    • electrical powered forklifts and carts are permissible if said vehicles are capable of charging sans the polluting use of hydro-electric power and have no toxic batteries which, upon disposal, could harm the Environment
    • human-powered shovels, signs, levers, and such are permissible as long as the human operating said equipment is not straining, thereby causing noxious gas emissions; offenders may be issued a fine and a large cork
    • monitor for the illegal use of plastics, which harm our Environment with waste by-products that are toxic to our water, air, and Mother Gaia's soil
    • monitor the illegal use of all metals, which require mining/strip mining for ore, causing scarring upon Mother Gaia and disruption to the Natural Environment

The Green Commission will establish various committees near active volcanoes, where they will monitor the output of offending particles. In the event of a volcanic eruption, the committees are authorized to issue strong statements of protest against offending volcanoes, as needed.

I hope the above guidelines will assist you in converting your current lifestyle, whatever it is, into one of loving Mother Gaia and saving our Earth from us. Engaging in Earth saving activities promotes wonderful feelings of self-worth and self-righteousness, and it is my desire for all humans to participate in these warm, happy feelings.
For further reading about what YOU can do to protect Mother Gaia, the Environment, stop Climate Change, and feel good about yourself, we have a handy brochure which has been printed on recycled organic all-natural purified in clear spring waters from Tibet rice paper.
 
All fines will be determined based on the offenders level of welfare status; payment of the fine will be implemented in a slight tax increase, to be distributed equally among all humans in order to maintain fairness and equality to all, thereby rendering the inevitable feelings of self-loathing the offender may feel null, and conversely, the feelings of piety the non-offender may feel null. This will help maintain a happy, warm feeling of equality among all of us humans.
 
Remember: If you won't become Green voluntarily, we'll FORCE you into it!
 
Have a Nice Day,
 
Commissioner Adolph Snugbung
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Auto Mechanic in Chief

Posted by S'marty on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 5:22:21 PM
I've been playing in Photo Shop again.
 
I scheduled my Chevy for an oil change at the White House. Not only did they do a shabby job, they charged me $1.5 trillion!
 
AUDACITYAUTOMECHANIC.jpg Auto Mechanic in Chief picture by myyellowjeep
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One-upmanship vs. Submission

Posted by S'marty on Monday, April 06, 2009 1:44:24 AM
Two blogs in one day! I felt compelled to jot down my own observations after reading another blogger on here, regarding Obama's bow to the Saudi King. Here's the comment I left on "Our Great Country's" blog, titled "Obama Bows to Saudi King?" I like the question mark at the end. Anyway, here's my comment (with a few new additions):
 
I find it interesting (and disgusting) that Obama does the whole "body language" thing with Bush upon their first meeting at the White House, by placing his hand on Bush's back, as though directing him. This is a "one-up" gesture, elevating Obama above Bush, who was in reality Obama's superior. It's a way of establishing superiority over another, of taking the lead and showing a certain amount if "civil" assertion. In the dog world, it's the alpha dog baring his teeth and raising his hackles at the beta dog.

And then, in an entirely opposite direction, Obama bows and practically genuflects when greeting the Saudi king. This gesture is one of the beta dog, letting the alpha dog know he's submitting.

These two gestures are very important indications of the Zero's character - and intent. You have to ask yourself "Why is he submitting to an Arab king?" A handshake would have put them on equal ground. It would have established their roles as leaders, nullifying one as superior over the other.
 
Additionally, the Zero didn't bow to any of the other world leaders.
 
Then again, none of the other world leaders bowed to him. That must have miffed him a bit. And I'm secretly smiling at that.
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Dear European Peoples,

Posted by S'marty on Monday, April 06, 2009 1:25:41 AM
Dear European Peoples,
 
Although our not-so-esteemed ruler apologized to you, don't expect an apology from me. In fact, the gist of this letter is that I am going to request a polite "thank you" from you folks. You have my permission to say "Thank you, United States of America!" .....
 
-- for invading Normandy and liberating us from the Nazi juggernaut.
-- for Ronald Reagan who squeezed the yoke of communism and brought Russia to its knees, thereby liberating us from the threat of the red tide.
-- for 40 plus years of American military protection, because we were so busy engineering a "fair" social order that we neglected to keep our own armed forces adequately staffed and prepared.
-- for technological innovation; for Microsoft and Apple and Intuit.
-- for the best example of free enterprise this world has ever known.
-- for showing the world what "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness" means.
-- for your exports that we Europeans adore: McDonald's, Levi's, and even Starbucks (although we'd never admit that last one).
-- for your musical exports, who in turn influenced some of our own musicians: Rock and Roll, jazz, the blues, Seattle grunge.
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it asking too much that you take a moment to recognise what we've done for you?

I hope you realize that some of those gifts above were bought at the price of our own young men's blood. Is there any higher gift to give?
 
And yet we must suffer through the spiteful words spoken by Obama recently, against the country that, through entitlement programs, pushed this man through the barriers and propelled him to the highest position in the country. His words were contemptuous. He owes everything he has to our great country. Instead, he garners cheers and accolades from our supposed "allies" in Europe when he denigrates America. The Euros wooped it up when he characterized our nation as one of dissent and dismissal towards the European Union.
 
Why are you cheering this man?
 
Rather, you should be cheering the people of this country. You should remember who jumped in to bring the two world wars to an end. You should remember what compelled Europeans of all stripes to leave your lands for the uncertain shores of America, from its inception in the 1600s to today.
 
So, kindly take a minute or two and give thought to the debt you owe our country, and rather than cheer our denouncer, boo him. He isn't deserving of your praise, but our fine country is, so be grateful.
 
Sincerely,
 
An American of Italian, French and Scottish descent
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"America's FIRST ever man-made president!"

Posted by S'marty on Saturday, March 28, 2009 9:18:51 PM
Conservatives have three years to find the perfect candidate for the next presidential election. Everyone is carefully watching the country's leaders, hoping there will be that "one" (pardon the expression) who will have all of the essential characteristics to represent us.

I have come to the conclusion that the only way to find a perfect candidate for us in 2012 is to build one. We just need the proper ingredients in the proper proportions. Following is my own list of qualities that I'd like to see:

1. Smart, but more importantly: wise
2. Honest, with a great degree of discernment
3. Fiscally conservative; endorses small non-intrusive government
4. Endorses free enterprise; abhors socialism of any kind
5. Has learned from history's mistakes and will not repeat them
6. Is objective when it comes to morality, not a relativist (I don't know if that's a word... I might have just made it up)
7. Values the truth as a concrete ideal, not as something subjective and open for debate
8. Understands the importance of national security, both at home and abroad; supports a well equipped and well manned military
9. Has a complete understanding of economics and the market, and the intricate workings of that relationship
10. Has a commanding presence as an orator, but is balanced with the proper amount of humbleness
11. Has no ties whatsoever with George Soros or any of his entities
 
There. Now we just need to find the parts. I wouldn't mind if this new candidate had a face like Gerard Butler's, with maybe a bit of grey at the temples to make him more distinguished looking.
 
Oh, and he would have to be a non-smoker. Oh, and a cat lover.
 
We will need to find someone who can put this guy together, preferably with that medical super-glue so there wouldn't be any stitch scars. Of course, it goes without saying that the folks who donate parts for our new candidate do so with the full understanding that they might not survive living without certain parts. And they would have to do it voluntarily. 
 
Let me know if I've left out any other vital qualities. The race of our candidate is inconsequential - the character is key.
 
He's going to need a good name, preferably one that both rolls off the tongue easily and is memorable. He'll certainly make the history books! "America's FIRST ever man-made president!"
 
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Alert! Overseas Contingency Operation! Alert!

Posted by S'marty on Thursday, March 26, 2009 11:04:29 PM
Once upon a temporal event there was a numerically challenged male-child. He looked around him and said “I want people to get along and be equal.” So he changed words that appeared to be mean, thereby elevating the evil done by mean people in the name of those words. He then destroyed words that denoted success, as he knew full well that success can only be achieved at the expense of victims. He changed words like "terrorist" into "freedom fighter" and "illegal alien" into "undocumented worker."

While he was busy changing words and appearing on talk shows (and making fun of developmentally disabled persons), the people who actually believed in those mean words made very mean big explosive incendiary devices.

One day, while the male-child was playing in his "No Clear Winner Here" garden (the male-child's legally bound female-partner originally named the garden "The Victory Garden," but since a victory can only be accomplished by the vanquishing of victims, the male-child changed the name of the garden), the people who used the mean words flew in a gravity-defiant metallic cylinder and threw a big explosive incendiary device out the door.

The device made a loud noise and blew up the male-child's community-involved open-border multicultural-diversified-classless-Utopian country. While recuperating from his non-agressive shrapnel punctures, the male-child was interviewed by a game show host, who asked him how this mean event could have taken place after all the hard work the male-child had done to make words nicer.

The male-child responded: “Obviously, we did something to deserve this action. In response, we shall undertake an Overseas Contingency Operation, whereby we will fly overseas in a gravity defying round metallic cylinder and we will talk to the people we offended. We will be sure to use only nice words. We will take many notes. When we return we will establish many committees and have many meetings. We will also send volunteers into the community with clipboards, who will organize community events.”

The people who had not been blown to pieces cheered and wept at the male-child's brilliance.

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Dear Mr. President:

Posted by S'marty on Monday, March 23, 2009 3:00:00 PM
Dear Mr. President,
 
Do the right thing. Oh, I know to leftist-liberals like you, "right" is a subjective term. It's too obscure for you to understand, so I'll try to break it down into tiny little bite sized pieces for you, by drawing some obvious comparisons. Let me know if any of this goes over your head. I wouldn't want anyone accusing you of letting your blond roots show.
 
"Right" is the opposite of "wrong." It's also the opposite of "left." "Opposite" means not exactly the same; for example, "hot" is opposite of "cold." I hope a tangible, non-subjective example, like "hot and cold" helps you understand the concept of "opposite."
 
Now, let's move on to some examples of "right" and "wrong." I'll try to use fairly obvious ones, so there's no chance of ambiguity or confusion on your part.
 
An example of something that is "right" would be to help an elderly person who has fallen down. It is right to reach out your hand and assist the poor dear in getting back up again.
 
"Wrong" is when you kick an elderly person down. It would be wrong of you to walk up to that person, lift your leg, and shove them down a flight of stairs with a foot on their back, for example. Why is this wrong? Because you could harm the person, and for most people, pain is not subjective, it's fairly concrete.
 
"Right" is usually associated with the word "good" and "wrong" is usually associated with the word "evil." I use the word "usually" because, once upon a time, these associations were never questioned. However, something has happened in the past 40 or so years to change perceptions, so that, through the distorted window of subjectiveness and moral relativity, many people no longer link "right-good" and "wrong-evil."
 
I hope I am using small enough words for you. I'll be sure to have my letter transcribed onto your teleprompter so you may more easily understand it.
 
A few other terms to describe this change in perception: topsy-turvy; inside-out; bassackwards; FUBAR; SNAFU.
 
Now let's see if I can explain to you how your decisions fall into the category of "wrong" and "evil." I will address your gaffes in another letter.
 
1. It is "wrong" to force people who do the "right" thing and play by the rules to pay for people who do the "wrong" thing and default on mortgages they should not have taken out in the first place. You see, this is a perfect example of topsy-turvy: rewarding the wrong-doers by punishing the right-doers. Even Dr. Spock would find fault with this philosophy.
 
2. It is "wrong" to attempt normal communication with "terrorists" (I'll send another letter later, addressing the need to stop changing words to soften their meaning). You see, if you put your hand out to a rabid, wild dog, no matter how "right" you think it is to talk nicely to him, the dog is incapable of understanding your nice intentions and he will bite your head off, preferably while being video taped by his fellow wild dogs. It is "wrong" of the dogs to bite our heads off, but they are incapable of discerning "right" from "wrong" due to the false teachings of their fellow rabid dogs.
 
3. It is "wrong" to punish success just as it is "wrong" to reward failure. It is "right" that success is rewarded, as it usually denotes hard work. It is "right" that one should learn from their failure in order to no longer repeat the same mistakes, but if the failed person is "wrongly" rewarded for their failure, they will "fail" to learn the lesson from failure.
 
4. It is "wrong" to attempt to level the playing field in order to institute what you perceive as "fairness" and "equality." People are not lemmings and are incapable of sustaining a hive-mind mentality for any length of time. Individualism and liberty will want to break free from communal oppression. It is "wrong" to not learn from history, and it is "wrong" to be so unteachable as to be incapable of comprehending reason and logic. You see, reason and logic are objective. Reason and logic tend to ride the path of "truism."
 
5. "Truth" is another word that is typically linked with "good" and "right." "Lie" is the opposite of "truth" and can usually be found dwelling in the caves with "wrong" and "evil." These realities are not subjective and they are not open to interpretation. One man's truth is not another man's lie. One man's terrorist is not another man's freedom fighter. Pardon me... I parlayed into a realm that I said I would broach later.
 
So, Mr. President, when I ask you to "do the right thing," do you now understand what I mean? Are you capable of understanding the truth of what is right and good, or are you so entrenched in the liberal-leftist philosophy that you only see things in shades of subjectiveness?
 
Elevating evil and destroying good will not level the play field. Our hearts and minds weren't designed for a life of bland greyness and perpetual neutrality. Human beings have a spirit that desires freedom. Freedom is "good" - oppression is "evil."
 
Remember, to seek excellence is not the same as finding perfection. Success is not always bought at the expense of a victim.
 
So, do the right thing: rescind the stimulus bill; re-write the budget sans the earmarks; hire honorable law-abiding folks for your administration; and burn your "Rules for Radicals" book, as it has no place in America.
 
Thank you,
S'marty
 
P.S. ... and don't talk any more or write any more letters.
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Dear Hillary:

Posted by S'marty on Monday, March 02, 2009 5:24:39 PM
To: Hillary Clinton
From: A flummoxed citizen
Re: What the hell is wrong with you?
 
Dr. Mrs. Clinton,
 
I recently stumbled across the following:  http://rightwingnews.com/mt331/2009/03/our_ironic_foreign_policy.php. In this article, I read this astonishing tidbit:
U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton on Monday will pledge about $300 million in U.S. humanitarian aid for the war-torn Gaza Strip, plus about $600 million in assistance to the Palestinian Authority, a U.S. official said Sunday.

 

State Department spokesman Robert A. Wood told reporters traveling with Clinton Sunday that she would announce the donations at an international pledging conference at this Red Sea resort. The conference is seeking money for Gaza and the Palestinian economy.
 
I respectfully submit that you are completely out of your mind. In fact, you are all out of your minds. I don't know where your minds are right now, but they are most definitely not entrenched in reality.
 
I assume the funds for the above "donation" (I almost peed laughing at the use of that word) will be forcefully taken from the tax-paying American citizen. You realize, of course, that if taxes were collected on a door-to-door basis, your tax collectors would all suffer serious injuries by the citizenry who are not complicit in aiding and abetting, with their own money, murdering terrorists.
 
Guess what I just found out? I recently learned that one of the terrorists favorite ways of eliminating Lebanese Christians (back in the 70s, when America was apparently asleep at the wheel) was to tie a couple's baby's legs to each of their legs, then violently pull the couple apart. You're a smart lady... you can figure out what happened. I learned of another creative ways in which the Islamic extremists killed Lebanese Christians, but it's too horrifying to repeat.
 
Hillary, Hillary, Hill. If I was Dan Ackroyd, I'd attach a popular addendum tto the end of that.
 
I am almost at a loss for words to describe how shocked I am at this unbelievably ignorant act of yours and our administration's. You people are fools of the highest order. Do you honestly believe the Hamas and Hezbollahs will be grateful for this handout? Do you really believe they will use it for relief for the people in Gaza? Don't you know that Islamic extremists do not think of you as a human being? As a woman, you are, in fact, even lower on their much referenced chart "Useless Things Which Must Be Destroyed At All Costs In Order To Bring About The Chaos For The Coming of The Twelve Imams."
 
You are playing right into the terrorists hands. Why not just send Iran a check for $300 million, since that's where it will end up anyway. Your ignorance about the true intent of Islamic extremists scares the hell out of me. Here's an idea: before handing that check over, how about you watch this video. If, after watching this video, you still want to give the Hamas my money, then I will know for a certainty that you are either a) phenominally stupid; b) a Islamic extremist yourself; or c) phenominally stupid.
 
Watch this video and stop being a court jester for the terrorists: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2361383274896945386
 
Not Yours Truly,
Scared Shitless Citizen
 
 
 
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Dear People Who Live on Me...

Posted by S'marty on Monday, February 16, 2009 3:07:58 PM
Dear Human Beings Who Live on Me,
 
Hey, how are you folks doing? Not too well in some places, I see. And not to shabby in other places, so I guess it all balances out, eh?
 
I want to talk to all of you about that word: "balance." You see, I am perfectly balanced, unlike most of you humans. My orbit around the sun, the tilt of my axis, my rotation from day to night and back again: you need to understand that all of this has been set in place to operate in perfect balance, without your help or input. Don't you find all of this to be sublime in the extreme? I do, and I've been doing it for a pretty long time, yet it still amazes and astonishes me.
 
I have been predestined to provide a nearly perfect place for all of you to inhabit. In nature, once again, you will see the same kind of balance. My life span is finite, but I want you to understand that you have absolutely nothing at all to do with it.
 
I have been warming and cooling for a pretty long time. I did this long before your "industrial revolution" appeared on my scene. You may build and belch out whatever you want, but it will have very little effect on me or my many layers of atmosphere. That's not to say you won't cause dirt and filth to happen, and that it won't have an effect on you. Obviously, sludge running into a river will eventually make its way to your dinner table in the form of dirty fish or tainted drinking water. But it's up to you to address those issues.
 
My point is that I've been hearing about all of this "global warming" hype from various "experts" in the "scientific" community. You guys just crack me up! I mean, I can't believe how full of yourselves you are. Do you really think you are so all-powerful that you can have any kind of lasting effect on me? You should know that hubris is displayed by boasting, but also by blame. It's as though you are saying "Mankind is so powerful, we can create AND destroy! Muahahaha!" I mean, come on people.
 
Try to think of my warming and cooling trends as a sort of "earthly menopause." You see, sometimes I have hot flashes, and sometimes I get chilled to the bone. We won't talk about the bloating or occasional case of incontinence. I'll discuss the flooding issues in my next letter.
 
You see, all of this "global warming" baloney is a way for some people, who think they know everything, to control and manipulate other people by using fear and cooked-up "scientific" "computer projections." Trust me, I've seen the same thing for many a millennium: the use of fear to instill a dependency on the masses for the "powers that be" who have made up the fear to begin with. They create the need for action (in their own minds, mind you), then create the "answer" to the "need."
 
I remember a time, not so long ago, when the "expert scientists" predicted a coming ice age. In fact, I read a great article recently, describing that nonsense, as it pertains to the same type of "global warming" nonsense being spewed today (George Will - read it). I am always perplexed at the short memory spans of you people. Don't you ever see the cycles in life? In nature, both wild and human, cycles are a predictable occurrence. From the smallest nano-spec to the mightiest hurricane: it's all cyclic.
 
I hope my own observations have helped to calm your fears. Try to take what these supposed "experts" say with a grain of salt (which I am happy to provide). I know my own "body" quite well, and I don't need a bunch of well-meaning, albeit completely incompetent, "scientists" to fix me. After all, I've been doing it for several thousands of years without their help.
 
Oh, and for pete's sake, someone please tell that "Al" guy and that "Michael" guy that they don't know shale from shinola! What a couple of windbags.
 
Peace out, people: you take care of you, and I'll take care of me.
 
Sincerely,
The Earth
 
P.S. And knock off all of that "Mother Earth" crap. I prefer to be called The Big E.
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Free To Choose: Freedom

Posted by S'marty on Thursday, February 12, 2009 6:59:27 PM
I hope you aren't too busy right now. If not, perhaps you'd like to go make a cup of tea or coffee, or grab a glass of beer or wine, and take a few minutes to watch a most intriguing video. Try to overlook the cheesy musical overtones during the introduction sequence - this film is quite dated, and was made on a shoestring budget, I'm sure, by PBS.
 
When you go to the link I have provided (it's google video, not some phishing porno site!), the first video on the list ("Milton Friedman - Greed") is a very short one: just 2 minutes, but it's packed with a lot of power: Milton Friedman shuts Phil Donahue's mouth (miraculous!). Watch this short one first, then go to the next one down, titled "Milton Friedman on limited government."
 
I assume the Donahue clip was filmed in the 80s sometime. The next video is in black and white, and judging by the interviewer's hairstyle, it was filmed in the 70s. It's longer - about 28 minutes, but I hope, like me, you'll find Mr. Friedman's reasoned responses fascinating.
 
 
Here is a quick little bio about Milton Friedman:   http://www.hoover.org/bios/friedman.html
 
I find it ironic that Mr. Friedman is a graduate of some of the same schools as Obama, and yet, their philosophies could not be more diverse.
 
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Shear Madness, I Tell You!

Posted by S'marty on Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:00:00 PM
Not only do I enjoy writing and griping about politics in general and politicians in particular, I also have a lot of fun (and obviously a lot of spare time) playing around in Photo Shop. My one and only disclaimer to the following picture is that I copied this image from someone else's blog legally (I think), I downloaded the font legally (I hope), and am copying the picture into my Townhall blog, again, hopefully, legally.
 
madmagazine.jpg Self-explanatory picture by myyellowjeep
Tags: obama  
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